I am being brave and have decided to write a blog about my body confidence journey. Which by the way, is still a journey taking place!
But I felt very obsessive about calorie counting and guilty when eating some foods. After we were married I got pregnant straight away, I was delighted. At a friends one day in early pregnancy..about 8 weeks I suddenly felt very poorly. The type of poorly when waiting to be put under anesthetic, the consultant and aneathatist were arguing over pumping blood into me or just getting me under to actually stop the bleed itself. I had what is called an Ectopic* pregnancy but one where it had ‘blown out’ the whole fillopian tube and one that I very nearly didn't survive.
The next day it was my birthday, worst birthday ever.
Recovering from this was very difficult, I was weak, devastated, grieving and depressed. All my wedding body gone, with no baby to show for it. Feeling this way was exhausting and I couldn’t regain my strength. At this point I felt failed by my body, and I didn’t like it and my main focus was that I needed to get pregnant again. I needed to love and look after a little being. This took much, much longer than expected so I got a pair of guinea pigs (one of whom is still with us as we speak and I used my mothering feelings to look after them!)
In ante-natal I was always quite chilled about breastfeeding if it worked, it worked, if it didn’t, oh well. But all of a sudden I was bombarded with ‘breast is best’ and the pressure for my body to feed my child. It wasn’t working. I started to hate myself and didn't even like looking at Eric because I knew my body wasn’t giving him what he needed. I got lower and lower in my mood. Before my husband went to work I was so anxious of being left alone that I was being sick. I ate and ate and ate to help me through the emotions.
I couldn’t get going.
My second scar, my weight gain, my stretch marks.... why couldn’t I ‘bounce back’ into my pre-baby body like the magazines and social media shows you everyone does. The glowing motherhood picture where you're radiant with love!
I was rock bottom..again. My confidence was so low I had feelings of failure all the time. As time progressed I had some anti-depressants to take the edge off my anxiety and lift my serotonin so I could function and I started to pick myself up. I joined a weight loss program. I tried to exercise. My husband - who is amazing by the way - has always been by my side. And my body confidence continues to struggle. I feel my brain is engraved with this picture that I have to be thin to be pretty. Even though when I look at others and the spectrum of shapes we have and the amazing thing our bodies do, giving birth to our children - all my mums are beautiful to me and it breaks my heart when they are so self critical.
We need a change in society that celebrates our bodies for the amazing job they do rather than they way they look. (Which is what my husband always tells me!)
I continue to work on trying to love myself and the way I look. I try to focus my exercise on it keeping me healthy and my mind healthy rather than it making me thin. I would one day love to love myself better. I don’t know when or if this will happen- but I hope I never give up trying.
Be Kind to Your Babylicious Body.
If you have been affected by an ectopic pregnancy and would like further support please contact The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Written by Rebekah -
Rebekah is our fabulous Sheffield Teacher. She works part time as a physiotherapist, pilates teacher and BabyBeats teacher.
We are so very lucky to have this fabulous lady part of our amazing team!
If you would like to attend some of Rebekah's BabyBeats classes, have a look at her website below.